We had no idea that we’d be one of the statistics of couples who could not conceive, carry and raise a biological child. As a non-Christian I had been feeling specific nudges and that something was missing from my life, having no idea that it was God showing me that he was there for me…for us, with a lesson. We began to go to church. This was the first time that I had attended church regularly. It felt good, right, appropriate and seemed to help me “feel better” about the experiences I was having specific to conceiving a baby. Sort of the way you might expect it would feel in our legalist view of God.
As this story goes…ten years into our marriage, thousands of dollars spent and many tumultuous experiences proved to be a success for us finally when we became pregnant with our first child. At first, we didn’t know we were pregnant. A fertility specialist visit revealed we in fact were; however, it didn’t appear that this pregnancy would be sustainable. I was told to go home, rest and take it easy to see just what would happen with the pregnancy. I vividly remember lying on my bed; feeling exhausted mentally, devastatingly worried. The result was a miscarriage two days later. I was angry! I was sad! I felt betrayed…after all I was finally turning to God. Why had He let this happen to me? Why did I not feel loved by Him? Why was I finding it hard to love?
Many months later, after other failed attempts, we decided together that we would no longer pursue fertility treatment of any kind and that we’d pursue adoption. Growing in our spiritual life, still due to God’s nudging and need for what was missing, we became at peace with our decision and began the adoption process. This story is no different than many who are put through a round of a billion questions, or so it feels, are “checked out” in every imaginable way, and are asked to consider some very difficult questions about what “kind” of baby you are willing to accept. In June 2000, it happened, a birth mother chose us! Our second child, a daughter, was born! We drove to Lafayette to meet the birth mother and our baby to hold her, name her and bring her home! God’s plan was different, it didn’t happen like that at all – the birth mother decided that she’d keep her baby.
After unbelievable depression, disbelief and generally giving up, we had made the decision that we’d not become parents and that God didn’t want that to happen for us – still having no idea why, but choosing to remain faithful to Him. Just as we’d considered removing ourselves from the pool of potential parents, we received a call on August 30, 2000 telling us that a birth mother wanted to allow us to parent her unborn child and that she was to be born that afternoon by c-section. We’d go to love the baby and when this birth mother decided to keep her baby, too, then at least we’d been there for her child during the first 48 hours of her life. After all, God would want us to do so and had prepared us for just such an event. God’s plan was different, it didn’t happen like that at all – the birth mother decided that we’d keep her baby!
God revealed for me and David that the “something that was missing” was the true recognition of what His love truly feels like as well as what it feels like to mirror His love to this child! We experienced, first hand, loving others in the way God intends. We continue to praise God for showing us this through our third child and daughter, Delaney!